Chardonnay’s Cruising for a Boozing trail – R*n 1470
15 May 2025 from Wildlife Court, Granton
Hare: Vodka Cruiser and Pole Dancer
Run Reporter: Growler

# The Chronicles of Chardonnay Hash: A Satirical Soirée at Wildlife Court

They say Hash is about the run, but darlings, tonight it was ALL about the On-On! A tale of suburban adventure, silver platters, and Bridgewater “scallops” awaits…

Our epic journey began as I piled into a car with Uber (thank heavens he was driving—my Valium prescription remains untouched), Cumonion, and Nancy Boy for our expedition to the exotic northern suburbs via the treacherous Brooker Highway. We were venturing into uncharted territory for Chardonnay and the mythical mansion of Vodka Cruiser—practically National Geographic material!

Upon arriving at Wildlife Court (spoiler alert: the only wildlife present was us hashers in our natural habitat), we were greeted not by the customary sweaty hashers chugging beer from plastic cups, but by our hostess Vodka Cruiser offering—I kid you not—vodka martinis on a SILVER PLATTER. I checked my GPS to confirm I hadn’t accidentally stumbled into “Real Housewives of Austins Ferry.”

Reality briefly returned when we were herded into the garage to pay our dues, but the trauma was softened by bowls of Cheezels and lollies. How civilized! At precisely 6:31 (because 6:30 would be far too conventional), Pole Dancer and Vodka Cruiser provided run instructions so vague they made government policy seem crystal clear.

And we’re off! Down Wildlife Court we charged, a magnificent herd of hashers jockeying for position like Melbourne Cup contenders with significantly less grace and considerably more wheezing. We traversed Hestercombe Road reserve, narrowly escaped death crossing Austins Ferry Road, and skirted Goulds Lagoon—where, disappointingly, no hash members fell in to provide evening entertainment.

Then came the dreaded False Trail (FT)—a cruel joke leading us up Jacques Road. Speaking of Jacques, where was Jack Le Shit tonight? Probably somewhere sensible with functioning knees. We continued up Sunshine Road, which, ironically, nearly killed us with its decidedly un-sunny incline. The hill was so steep even the local mountain goats were using supplemental oxygen.

The runners, show-offs—took an extra loop which headed them towards toward Glenorchy fell for a false trail (ha!), and had to backtrack around Alexa Drive. I imagine they asked Alexa to “find the shortest route home” multiple times. They eventually zigzagged through various courts and tracks like drunken bees before rejoining the walkers’ trail.

On our return journey, we passed a roadside memorial for a young moped rider. His mates cruised by in their cars, likely concerned we hashers might mistake their ceremonial beer cans for hash refreshments. Rest assured, lads, we bring our own alcohol—evidently served on silver platters tonight.

Finally, we turned into Sanctuary Road—aptly named, as sanctuary awaited in the form of Vodka Cruiser’s mansion of delights. The On-On featured a rainbow of vodka cruisers displayed with the elegance of a five-star resort, followed by a feast fit for hash royalty: chicken surprise (the surprise being it wasn’t roadkill), vegetable curry, and the local delicacy “Bridgewater scallops” on top of jacket potatoes. For the uninitiated, these “scallops” are sausages a far cry from actual seafood, but after several vodka cruisers, who can tell the difference?

Dessert brought chocolate muffins with optional cream, plus more liqueurs for those whose livers hadn’t yet waved white flags. There were enough leftovers to feed a small nation—or one hasher after a particularly grueling trail.

To Vodka Cruiser: your hospitality was matched only by your culinary prowess. For those who missed this event—well, you’ll just have to live with that crushing regret while the rest of us reminisce about the night Hash House Harriers briefly transformed into the Crown Plaza /Hilton Harriers.

On-On to the next adventure, where we’ll likely return to our regularly scheduled programming of no piss stops and counter meals somewhere!

Growler

DOWN DOWNS

Lips: Spoof and Nancy Boy

• Vodka Cruiser and Poley: the Hares.
• Nancy Boy: No idea what number run it was … 1169 in year 2008 or something.
• Country Members: Poley, Maximus and Xena.
• Dyke: Led Spoof down the garden path to show him where to p*ss behind the shed then ended up using the ladies.
• Crusher: For taking his man bag on the run and in doing so, raising the Chardonnay Hash fashion stakes by 500%.
• Spoof: Happy Birthday far queue.
• Morticia: Managed to score the sympathy seat next to Spoof on the drive to Tullah ahead of Nancy Boy.
• Prickit: Forgot her wedding anniversary until she saw it was Spoof’s birthday on Facebook. Crawled in apologetically to Can’t Stop who thought it was next month.
• Maximus: For letting Poley do all the FT’s on a run that Poley set (or should Poley have got that skol???).
• Crusher and Poley: Crusher didn’t do the housework while Poley was in Vietnam, with poor Poley coming home to sh*t everywhere. As penance, Poley flogged Crusher to death on vacuuming duties to the point that he couldn’t open his beer.
• Can’t Stop: Upset that he didn’t bring a Tupperware container to take home some of Vodka Cruiser’s chef quality food.
• Can’t Stop: Did a midnight swim on the full moon and still waiting for his nuts to pop back out.
• Lisa/Lucille: Another welcome for a virgin Hasher.
• Growler: Spent some time patching up a few holes in her walls this week, which the Lips interpreted as filling in a hole in her window to stop the Peeping Tom’s from looking in.
• TopDek: For being accosted by a strange man mid-trail.
• Vodka Cruiser: For turning out some good food and cocktails – might be time to bring back the Tucker F*ckers.

NEXT RUN

Run 1471: 22 May 2025

HARE APPARENT: In The Raw
STARTING FROM: The Waggon, North Hobart
RUN REPORTER: Snack Bar
$5 run fee, buy your own food and drinks at the venue.

A note from the Hash Hops: Now that daylight savings is over, p*ss stops will be for special themed runs or to coincide with other events such as birthdays. If you would like a p*ss stop outside of this, please contact the JMs

RECEDING HARELINE

Roll up! Roll up! 
Check your diaries and tell Morticia when and where you might like to set a trail this year.  If you don’t know how to set one. Find a friend who can to help you!

UP CUMMING EVENTS

• 26 May 2025 | Combined Clubs Charity Run (see flyer)
• 7-8 June | Chardonnay Hobart H3 Highland Fling @ Tullah
• 8-10 May 2026 | Interhash 2026, Yogyakarta, Indonesia

HASH FLASH

All the photos from Run 1470

MISMANAGEMENT 2025

Contacts for committee members.. tho’ its just as easy to use messenger.. or just ask a stupid question on the facebook page… There will always be someone willing to give you an answer.

Run reports: Please send directly to Xena by Sunday lunchtime at melaniebryant2901@gmail.com

If you are away the week you have been nominated to do a run report, could you please let Xena know so that a replacement can be organised.