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RUN REPORT

Chardonnay’s Shiproots Arms Trail
25 June from Shipwrights Arms Hotel, Battery Point
Hare: Grassroots
Run Reporter: Gingernuts Grizzly

It felt odd walking into a venue on a cold Hash night to see the place filled to the gunwales with regular punters, but this was the first in a long time (2016, I think) that Chardonnay had set off from ‘Shippies’, so perhaps it’s usually like that on a Thursday.

We were press-ganged into one of the back rooms – where the Pack numbers threatened to exceed the room’s tonnage – and made to sit until one of the hands came to take our order for the galley.

It seemed a strange start to the evening, being treated like the landed gentry rather than a rag-tag group of salty athletes in our own dark corner of a seedy tavern. Even though it wasn’t a dark corner, Growler still didn’t see Can’t Stop’s approach from astern and Growler was drawn and a quartered with shaving cream in celebration of her 1200th crossing of the equator.

As the big hand pointed to the base of mizzen mast, navigator Grassroots forced us to walk the plank to the front of the pub, for what was the shortest ‘chalk talk’ on record – “go that way”. (F*ck it was cold. I would have even worn Jack Sh!t’s ‘man salmon’ gloves if given the chance.)

Brazilian mutanied at starting trail uphill, which was barely up and certainly not a hill. Perhaps they don’t train them to be tough in Lower Longley, after all.

After battling Napolean we set sail for the docks. It was here that Spoof and Hump Hash’s Tight Seal came adrift of the Pack and found safe harbour in The Whaler. They waited for rescue, but there were rum rations to be had and they somehow managed to miss the rest of the Pack as they sailed past.

After declaring at Customs, a course was plotted around the reef of St David’s. We narrowly avoided the syren call coming from Preachers before turning back toward the home port. Alas, the winds were not favourable (could have been the beans) and navigator Grassroots had us turned back down the straight of Kelly. Lone Arranger and Crusha warned of a mapping error as they downed sail and coasted back to port, but this was not heeded. Indeed, we found Morticia and Cumonion tacking against the wind (definitely the beans) atop the Steps of Kelly breathlessly voicing ‘that way be monsters’.

After adjusting the compass, Topdek and I then got onto a steady breeze back down toward the coast and the Park of Princes. With stores getting low and fearing a bout of scurvy, the looming Shipwrights Arms was a welcome sight.

It was a voyage of discovery, with no two Hashers appearing to have followed the same course. There were tales from Chris Miss of following old maps but finding no treasure; from Dyke of past battles on the Ball Breaker route to the Dutch East Indies; from Can’t Stop of composing flowing prose to elucidate to his fellow scholars of the dramatic and of the banal.

Somewhere out there, perhaps navigator Grassroots had set trail of the year, but we may never know the true story.

Would Arsecutter know? No, probably not.

On! On!
Captain Grizzly

DOWN DOWNS

Lip: Hands On & Uber

• Grassroots: Hare. Set trail at 5am that morning!
• Brazilian, Crusha & Morticia: c*untry members.
• Crusha (to the incessant ringing of his phone): head job from Uncle Fester.
• Tight Seal: visitor from Hump Hash.
• Spoof & Tight Seal: late to get back because they couldn’t find trail (because it wasn’t set through a pub in Salamanca).
• Snack Bar: had to do a ‘McShit with fries’.
• Dyke: found a special deal on direct flights to Newcastle, so suggested that he and TwinkleToes head up so that she could visit her friends (while he heads to the Hunter Valley to hot the wineries).
• Hands On: Teddy took a dump on trail that was so noxious that everyone behind had to race to get upwind of the smell.
• Milestone: Growler – 1200 Runs!
• Can’t Stop: has had a head job.
• Snack Bar: thought that he was in a red light district – ordered the sourdough and a good whipping (of butter).

Skols from the floor:

• Herr Flick -> Wee Bev: had Thistle and boyfriend pop around for dinner, after which the two disappeared into the bedroom. When they came back out Wee Bev called them a ‘wombat’, not realising that it meant ‘eats roots, shoots and leaves’. Peak embarrassment from the boyfriend.
• Dyke -> Smallgoods: called out Smallgoods because he reckoned that a Ball Breaker trail is not for walkers. Dyke mentioned (again) that he finished in the first 10% of Hashers at the Interhash Ball Breaker by walking.
• Smallgoods -> Can’t Stop: Can’t Stop’s Facebook posts used to be unintelligible and unreadable. Now they contain words like ‘challenging’ and ‘inclement’. (The electricity consumed by AI trying to interpret Cantstopian would power a small nation.)
• Pole Dancer -> Herr Flick: admitted that he lost his virginity in this pub – but that he can’t remember his name.

HASH FLASH

Photos of Run 1535

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